So it was one of those days, that feels like it’s been one of those weeks, and it is only Tuesday. From the time my husband hit the garage door opener, to when he finally walked in the door, I was already running bath and fixing myself a drink, ready to run off and retreat to my room. I felt horrible for doing it considering he had just worked a 12 hour day but I knew if I didn’t have a mental health moment it wouldn’t be good for either of us. Potty training had gone so well but for some reason today we were on our 4th pair of underwear already when I just gave up and let the little man run around pantless. I hadn’t had a shower since well I think Monday and my legs were getting furrier than I prefer. All of this exasperated by the fact that my dad was home all week with me last week and then when he left my mom was here. I love them but I think it is hard for them not to critic every action I make. From taking to long of a shower (hence being afraid to take the time to shave) to not showering often enough, to not feeding my son right, to my hair being to oily, to me drinking to much (this after my mom saw me make 1 drink the entire time she was here). Needless to say with the departure of the parents I needed a moment to myself. To in all essence love myself. To tell myself that its okay, everyone does things differently and I am not a failure nor a bad person.
Why is it that people can make us feel so insecure about ourselves? I try to do my very best at all I do and I am sure that others would do things differently. My house isn’t the neatest nor is it as neat as I would like it to be but at the same time I spent about forty-five minutes to an hour cuddling with my little man when he got up from his nap because that’s what he wanted / needed at the moment. I don’t want to miss that, nor do I want to cut it short just so I can go empty the dishwasher because I know that one moment soon enough he won’t want to cuddle with Mommy anymore. Or worse yet, something could happen and in an instant he could be gone and I know that then I would give anything just for a moment to hold him again. I know that may sound odd that I would worry about him not being there and wanting to spend every moment with him to the detriment of everything else but, I just feel the need to cherish as many moments as I can.
You see I am all to aware at how fleeting life can be. I know in the wake of Japan we are all reminded but I don’t need that when it comes to my little guy. I don’t need it because there was a little angel named Noah who taught me that. My “big sister” in my sorority had a little baby boy exactly four months to the day after my son was born and he was with us only four short months after that before he passed in his sleep. No one saw it coming and it was devastating. It shook me to my core and I slept on the floor in my little guys room for the first couple of nights and I was heart broken at his funeral. It was impossible to look at that little casket and not think about what could have been. I felt robbed that our hopes and dreams of our boys growing up together so close in age and being able to play with each other, that would never happen. I also felt guilty because I still had my baby and it is still hard for me to talk about my son or even complain on those off days because I know she doesn’t have her little boy.
So I will take the flack that the house still isn’t completely unpacked and my room is a disaster and there is laundry to be done. Or my favorite, that I haven’t chosen to go back to work full time and use that college degree. I can’t do it. I don’t want to miss a moment and I hate the nights that I work now and have to close the store and miss my good night kiss; because, I tell you this if I am home, I never miss them. I will take my messy house for an hour of cuddle time any day. So that is what I thought about in that long bath, where I washed the stress and frustration of the day off. Where I cleared my mind of the replay of criticism that echoed in my head. I have a little baby who only spent four months on this earth to thank for that clarity.